I had my gummies, I'm good now
Things are looking better! My mental health has been improving. I've been taking some cbd gummies to help with my anxiety and paranoia, overall so far so good.
I'm also starting up khan acadmey before I attempt any college level classes. I want to give myself a healthy do-over with grade school. This time there won't be much external pressures and I have nothing to lose so why not
Overall, I'm doing better. I made a few spare social media accounts not centered around politics and negative people so I can give my brain a break. My main ones are still up but my new socials I plan on never sharing with anyone so I can have that peace of mind. I mainly just want to enjoy my nerd shit in peace
OH! I've been into ttrpgs lately. It gives my brain a good exersice that it needs and it's been helping with my motor functions and verbal skills. It forces me to talk and to be involved in what I'm doing and I really enjoy it. My ex tried to get me into it and his group was so controlling and very numbers based, it overwhelmed me and I didn't try until now. Now it's alot easier. I'm not ready to try to play in person out in my area but maybe in a year or two. I want to get used to the mechanics first before anything. I'm dsylexic and I have dsycalculia so all the number and letters move around too much and it's really hard to visualize things
TW: Mental health issues, being mute
Sometimes if feels like I don't do enough for anyone regardless for what I do.
I talk too much
I don't talk enough
I talk too loud
I sound like a robot when I talk
I don't talk loud enough or clear enough
I can't win. I can never be enough
Everything was easier when I was mute, when I didn't speak. Being nonverbal was difficult but it wasn't as hard as being verbal. There are days where I just want to go back and let myself lose my voice again, just throw away all those years of speech therapy.
I miss it some days
Everyone wants me to accommodate them and do what they want but hardly anyone realizes that I'm human too and I need my accommodations too. Most days I feel like I exist for others, I don't ever really get to exist for myself or do what I need to do. I can't even make friends the right way without attracting the wrong people because I'm so fucking naive I trust the wrong people. I'm so exhausted I don't know what to do anymore but just shut up, pay bills, and leave everyone alone until they need me again and just be on standby. I hardly ever get to live
TW: Left a friend group/ discord server that lasted 5 days
:| Facebook, Instagram, Discord, Twitter and other various social media sites will store your information, including your IP addresses. Your suburban neighbor's little recipe blog will do the same. She can see when people view her site. I can see when people view mine. It's a view counter. It's nothing new. Having said view counter does not mean I can see the exact location of where you're at and every detail of what you're doing today. I truely do not care about you picking your ass while you stalk me across all social media. I don't care.
What pissed me off is when you accuse me of something I didn't do, be all buddy buddy to me to my face and then when it no longer suits you, you want to use a fucking neocities against me like it's the worst thing in the world. It's not illegal to have statcounter on your neocities. It doesn't violate ANYONE'S TOS.
If you do not want people on the internet to know your ip address, use a vpn. ProtonVPN is free to use for any device, including Linux. If you are paranoid about your internet saftey, use a vpn. I am not your worst nightmare. I am harmless. I get a papercut, and I'll bleed to death I'm that anemic. I pose no threat to you or to anyone. Grow a spine, leave me alone, run your little discord servers far away from me and fuck off
TW: Eating disorders, hair loss, health issues, HPD, Trauma dump? (leaving friend groups because an adult wanted to be a p*do)
Holy fucking shit. I tried looking at therapy options for my insurance and there is non available in network. The ones out of network cost me around $300 for the month and I do not have that lol.
Work gave us a week off so thankfully I've been using that to relax as much as I possibly can. I'm going to be doing my own research into histrionic personality disorder and try to see what treatment I can find online that I can do at home that won't cost me alot of money.
One issue I tend have right now because of the histrionic personality disorder is the extreme emotions to no emotions. It gets to be much at times and handling them is rough.
Another issue I've been working on is not overlly sexualizing myself for the sake of making friends. I left one friend group a while back because that's all they did and it did not help me whatsoever. It got to the point where one of the older adults felt comfortable enough to send inappropriate pictures of an underage character from mha (invisible girl) in the messenger group chat and then she tried to gaslight me into saying that it wasn't that bad?? idk shit was weird and was very much uncomfortable to be around so I just left it all and blocked all of them because fuck that shit
Now another issue I face is just coming out of my shell and just being friendly with others and being associated with a friend group for a long period of time. I tend to just fuck off the moment a red flag is shown and "over react" when it's shown. Apparently having a concerning reaction to things is a horrible thing to do? Idk I just don't have the patience for red flags anymore like I used to and I just don't want to deal with them so I vanish and fuck off elsewhere.
I'm also very glad my hair doesn't fall out anymore. My eating disorder has calmed down alot, I'm eating a regular amount everyday and my anorxia is essentially nonexistent at this time. My hair is growing back, my dandruff is gone, my skin is super clear and my makeup goes on smooth instead of feeling like it's hitting potholes on my face. Even my bald spots are mostly gone. The little that's there, I can cover with makeup and not have to worry about it. Pretty soon my hair will be back down to my waist again and I'll have my mother's long flowy Lumbee hair again
Overall I'm okay, I'm safe. My partner and I got into an argument last night around 4-6am and the end result will be us hunting down a therapist for him so he can get help he needs. His copay is low so he will be able to go to one regularly and get back on his mood stablizers. I really just wanted one week of no drama but doing that seems to just not be a thing. Atleast I got 3 days and a breakfast in bed everyday this week so far. He's so excited that I'm home for the week it's adorable. My narcolepsey is also getting better at being controlled. I don't fall asleep as often and it's great, I get to spend more time with my partner and cats who are all excited that I'm home and none have left my side since I've been home it's fucking great.
Tbh I can't wait to get back to work and back into my normal routine again. As much as I love being home, work is a great stress reliever for me and it bring me alot of comfort having a set routine everyday. But thankfully I'm in a spot where I can enjoy the week off and not worry too much about it
I grew up moving between place to place, with no one culture of each city or town sticking with me for long. We went from Rust belt city after city, small towns in Texas, and a few other places. The place we stayed at for long periods of time was a small rural town near the Gulf Of Mexico. There, we experienced summer storms and early morning breezes coming from the salt water of the gulf.
I eventually went back to the Rust Belt and started working graveyard shifts at a local factory. Here I started to notice signs Nyx was leaving me. I felt safety in her darkness. I knew Hera and Nyx worked together to protect me at night.
Hestia has blessed me with a wonderful home,
Eris has blessed me with goals to strive for,
Hera has blessed me with a glorious marriage,
and Nyx has blessed me with protection under her
I have been blessed by them all and I know the future is filled with the blessings they give and the challenges they give me! May this blog be a dedication to them.